The truth is, I want this to work out according to my plan.

So after spending all weekend at the Together for Adoption conference in Austin, Texas, we came home to find our appointment time and date with immigration in our mailbox.  In less than 3 weeks, we'll be completing another step in the process that will allow us to send our application (or dossier) to Ethiopia and get on a waitlist! Yes it all sounds like gibberish and dull work, but it's one step closer to Scott and I bringing home our child/ren from Ethiopia. And it was a nice piece of mail to come home to after emotionally loosing it at the end of the conference.

With great speakers like photographer Esther Havens and adoption specialist and author Karyn Purvis the conference was fabulous, and moving.  It was fun meeting families who were also in process to adopt, and many adopt from Ethiopia.  I enjoyed scribbling in my notebook favorite quotes from speakers about parenting and connecting to adopted children like, "you'll never win a heart with force," or "the child bled before they came home to us, they must not bleed on our watch." But after listening to 20 hours over 2 days to people talk about the 147 million orphans around the world, I was overwhelmed with doubt.

Who can save 147 million orphans around the world? Who will love them? Why do so many end up on the streets alone to fall into a dark life? Where is the church? There is a crisis of fatherless and motherless children, and the numbers are mind numbing. And then at the heart of the matter, and where it becomes personal, why is the process of adoption so hard?

I heard family after family get on stage and talk about how their adoption worked out.  How they overcame obstacles, time schedules, high costs, their impatient hearts and their own lack of faith to bring home their children.  And while this should have been encouraging, I felt empty.

I  believe Scott and I's journey to bring home our children from Ethiopia will work out accordingly to God's plan.  But honestly today, I'd rather it worked out according to my plan.  My plan, that everything falls together perfectly, right now.  That the waiting ends. That my wants, not my needs, are met.

Its wrong, but its where my heart is.  And the only thing left is to pray, God give me faith. I believe in a great and awesome God who will answer this prayer even without me having to feel all the warm fuzzies. Even as I am weak in faith, he is strong.

I wanted to share this place where I am today, because I think it's an honest reflection of places along the adoption journey I have been before, and will be again -- in times of doubt.  And it's so easy to write about these emotions after things have been resolved and my faith has returned.  I want to look back at this entry and see how God has taken me from a dark place to a place of peace.  It seems to happen time and time again in my life, and I can only believe God will do it again.

I'll keep you posted.